smile like you mean it.

So I came home from school, and for some reason I was not happy. Nothing bad happened today, all in all it was a decent day. But something is upsetting me, but I don’t know what. It’s not important though, and as long as people keep all their arms and legs inside the car at all times and away from my path, things should be alright. I tend to be a bit terse with people when not in the best mood. But knowing this, I take it upon myself to avoid such situations. I don’t want to yell at someone simply out of annoyance, because then they’ll feel bad, and that will just make me feel bad, and they’ll cry and I can’t handle crying, so it’s much safer me just ostracizing myself from any potential quarrels. 

Because of this, when I went home I saw my mom mowing the lawn. My mother and I don’t have what I would classify as a strong relationship mostly because we never see each other and when I do have to talk to her it’s something that annoys either her or me and we just end up fighting. Be that as it may, I still don’t want to snap at her for something she isn’t responsible for, so when I came home I went straight to my room to creep on facebook or scratch myself or whatever it is I do behind the closed doors of my room. 

But alas, I could not escape the inquisitive puppy that is my mum. She hunted me down and started asking me about my day and other pointless stuff that she really probably doesn’t care about. I thought one worded answers would be the safest path in this case; short, sweet, and discouraging for any further questioning. This worked until she told me to smile. I asked her why and she said just because. This, I believe, is stupid.

Why should a person smile if they have no reason to smile? A person should never have to act happy, they should act how they feel. I feel upset, so I am going to act upset, not because it’s what I should do but because it’s what I want to do. In this time, a person has so few things to call their own, and I for one will not give up my freedom to have emotions, nor do I want to. Yes, being sad is by far the worst feeling, but without the blows of sorrow who would know the waves of bliss? 

If I fake it, am I not simply lying to myself.  Yes, to others I will appear happy, but happiness does no good seen, only felt, and other people don’t feel your happiness, only you do. I suppose I could force myself to smile until I can do it without thought, but I don’t really want to. I don’t believe I should have to force any emotion, especially that of happiness. And I guess I am not really sad nor happy, just neutral. This is a dangerous place to be, for the wind can blow either way, but at the same time, I want it to. I want to see what life will bring, and react only when it has been delivered. Why sugarcoat the pain by expecting pleasure or dampen ecstasy by believing only despair awaits you?

Peace.