I’m not the best talker. I mean, I can hold a decent conversation with almost anybody, it’s not hard to find something in common. Although I don’t particularly enjoy small talk, I am amazing at participating in it. It’s the big talk that always gets me, the personal topics. It’s very difficult for me to share any information of value with people, I can’t think of one person who knows about my life. It seems, that by being so well trained at small talk, I have successfully managed to keep my secrets secret.
I realize that this quality of secrecy has probably hindered many of my friendships and most likely all of my relationships, with old boyfriends, as well as with family. Do I like it? No. But can I fix it? I have no idea how. I believe that this is why I found such solace in this blog. I am a very emotional person, but a strong one too, which is a horrible combination. Because I have such intense emotions, I feel great sadness at times. I cry a lot. But because I wish to maintain my strong image, I cannot share anything with anyone, for fear of crying in front of them. That is my biggest embarrassment. It could be because I don’t want to appear weak, or it could be because I hate sympathy more than anything else. But I guess that goes back to the weak thing, doesn’t it? I view sympathy as an emotion given to those you pity, and you know that when you’re pitied, you’re perceived as weak. I understand the emotion of sympathy, and I am not afraid to experience it, to give it. But when you are the one it is being given to, that doesn’t make you feel good either. To me, sympathy is the emotion you give in lieu of a better one, like happiness. Why would I want sympathy when what I really want is happiness? The presence of sympathy just highlights the fact that I am not happy, and I don’t need to be reminded of that.
I am told that depression is common, which reassures me some. Given the way I feel, I have no other explanation than depression. MInd you, this post is not intended to be whiny, or generate sympathy of any kind, because my words above are genuine, I really do hate it. This post is mostly for me, I think, because this is the only way I know how to talk, and I have so much I need to get off of my mind. It seems like my depression didn’t start until last year. It was around the middle of the school year. I was convinced I was going insane, but I now recognize it as the same feeling I’ve felt on and off since then, and I’m almost sure it’s depression. Just recently it seems like it’s been getting worse. I’ve come up with a set of reasons that could have resulted in this.
For starters, my grandfather died a few months ago. Notice how I say died, not passed away, or some other stupid euphemism. That wasn’t accidental. You could say I’m not quite over it yet, but that’s a whole other post.
My grandpa dying, I think, added to another reason I think it might be worse. I think it’s caused me to start thinking about my dad more. Like I’ve said before on here, I never really got to know him, or even see him. My grandpa was like my only father figure, and I think it’s just brought about a lot of confusion about my father.
My last reason is stress. Stress and worry. I think with school ending soon and AP exams, I’ve just been a little stressed lately. Not to mention the worry about next year and going to college, and of course, paying for school. It’s just a scary time right now, trying to figure out if I’m going in the right direction.
I don’t know, there’s probably more going on and other stuff I should talk about, but this post is long enough, and I’m tired of analyzing for the time being. Just try not to worry.
peace.
