doing your best?

           I am so sick of people telling me I am not trying. I have teachers say that I’m not working hard enough, that I am capable of so much more. I have coaches telling me I’m not taking practice seriously and that I can do better. It’s really very annoying especially because I am. I am truly giving it my all, yet they are convinced that I’m just half assing it. 

Here’s the scenario:

I decide to read a few lines or two from a book that I am really enjoying...in an L.A. class! Although I am reading, I am still paying attention. I could recite his exact words verbatim if asked to. My teacher tells me that I am just trying to skate by and that if I really applied myself, I could be much better. He tells me that so far its working and even by not putting forth the same magnitude of effort as my classmates I am still able to do well. But it won’t last for long. Meanwhile, I am actually working very hard, spending hours revising my essay.  That is the only class I honestly like. I am not merely attempting to “skate by”, but on the contrary putting in real effort. I have spent more time doing the assignments in this class than in any other not because I have to, but because I want to. I truly enjoy this class. 

To have the teacher of your favorite class doubt your efforts is a major killer. I am by no means expecting his praise or even desiring it. I need no recognition at all. But doubt, doubt it a hard one to handle. 

And it gets worse.

Scenario two:

In what is perhaps my second favorite class I sit by a somewhat rambunctious lot. The teacher often gets very frustrated by this group because they talk the whole class period. I am not exempt from this gabfest. Once in a while I’ll interject a word or two, but my attention is still largely focussed on the teacher. 

One day I was talking to the teacher, he’s a cool guy and I enjoy speaking with my teachers, they’re interesting people who have a lot more knowledge and experience. Anyway, I was talking to him and he started complaining about how I don’t pay attention during class. Like the above teacher, this doubt really infuriated me. I am really the only one who listens during that class, and what’s more, I am one of the few people who have read the text book, studied for the tests, and turned in all the assignments. Now I will admit that during work time I may not get much done, but that is simply because the school environment is not a place where I can concentrate. The way I see it is that if I always turn my work in on time, than why should he harp on my unwisely use of time?

Look at my grade. Does it look like I’m not paying attention?

Last Scenario:

Today at practice our coach pulled us in for a little talk. He complained about how we weren’t taking practice seriously and giving all our effort. He said that if we wanted to get better, then we had to work. He has told me how he thinks I am not taking this seriously which is completely untrue. I then responded to his complaint that maybe we are working our hardest. He then asked me if I thought I was giving it my all, and I told him that I thought I did. 

“Well then I thought you were much better.”

What the fuck does that mean? Obviously you were wrong then because apparently I suck. Thank you.

Stop assuming that I’m not trying, because really, that’s all I am doing. It’s so disheartening to hear people accuse you of this. If you really are trying and they tell you something like that, then what they’re saying is that you’re not good enough. Cool. I am not here to fulfill your expectations, only mine. 

Peace.