My Down

Have you ever thought about just giving up? Not the suicidal, melodramatic thought, but the ‘Why am I doing this?’ kind. I would be surprised if you haven’t. Your life has been one of complete comfort. But for the masses who have experienced this feeling, you are the ones who I want to speak with. Now this feeling usually lasts for only a bit, and then something good happens, making you scoff at your past doubts. 

This is usually the cycle I have been in. I’ll do poorly on a test, then ask myself why I just don’t take easier classes, or be extremely tired and begin rethinking my schedule, but then there will be one day that I’ll be completely on, answering every question, doing well on all my assignments, making me forget about all uncertainties, restoring faith in my ability.

But lately, it seems my life has followed the downward trend of this cycle, rarely rising again. When it does rise, it doesn’t seem like the line fully reaches the top, so when the next down comes, it plunges me even further. I understand that this probably doesn’t make much sense to you, and for that I apologize. But try to understand this, if you can. I have seen more disappointments than achievements recently, and though it may just appear this way because I am in the middle of a down, this realization, no matter the reality of it, is disheartening. I really need just something good, something really good I suppose, to regain my faith, to maintain my drive. 

But is during times such as these that I begin to reevaluate what I have set as my future path. i really have no specifics, but somewhat of a generalization. Whatever I do, I decided that sometime in my life, I want to get to a spot where I can help a lot of people, and in a big way. How am I going to do this, i really can’t say. What i have decided on is that I need to be important to do so. Not because I necessarily want to be important, but more for the fact that its easier to help people when you have power on your side, and with importance comes power. With that power, I feel I’ll be able to accomplish something that benefits world kind.

Because of this, I have decided that i need to go to somewhat of a good school, and be considered smart by my peers, including my teachers. I know this sound stupid, and it is. I neither care nor believe I am smart, so really I am just attempting to fool people. But when teachers and classmates think your smart, it’s easier to convince them of your beliefs, and get them to follow you. Now that I’m writing my plan out, I feel like somewhat of an evil mastermind, and maybe I am. Perhaps I’m going about this whole “change the world” thing all wrong. But I know of no better way, so this is what I am stuck with for the time being. 

Anyway, I plan on graduating college, then going on to medical school, or some other high profession. some school to help me better my place in the field I chose to go into. This will most likely be some science of sorts, which is a saddening realization, but that is a different worry all together. From there I will become somewhat of a big deal in the science world, and be respected by my fellow scientists. I will be asked to speak at banquets and be given the honor of working alongside some of the most brilliant minds. While this is not what I really want from life, I imagine that this will feed my ego if only a bit, increasing my self image as if their praise somehow determined my self worth. 

And from that, I will be able to demand help from companies and corporations. Change for environmental problems, or impoverished nations abroad, whatever cause I chose to champion. And because of my credentials, people will listen. While it is disappointing to know that to evoke the type of reform needed to make the world a better place can only be done by recognition, one must face reality. The means in which I succeed is not really important I suppose, as long as I can maintain some bit of pride. But I will succeed, which is the important thing. I will know that I did something to better this place, to help another, and that, more than anything will justify my existence. 

But what if I fail?

And this doubt is the source of my discontent, the source of my down. 

Peace.