re-evaluating some things

So, I feel like crap. I had an interview today for the National Council on Youth Leadership. When I first signed up for this I admit I didn’t really care. I was told to do so by my counselor, and me being an obedient child, I listened. If nothing else, it will look good on my college application, right? So I signed up, and got in. Cool. Then I get a letter, probably like a month ago, telling me that I have to do an interview . Alright, that’s totally fine, I have no problem talking with people. I also find out that six students are selected to go to this conference at Washington University. I really want to be one of those six. It was scheduled for today at 2:30, I worked till 2:00. Not a problem I thought to myself, I’ll bring my clothes to work, change, then go straight there. I’ll surely have enough time.

But, here’s the thing with time. It’s kinda a bitch. I got to Kirkwood, the location of the aforementioned interviews, saw a sign directing me to the building and followed it. Every single time I ever have something there I get lost. Why? I don’t know, I’m stupid maybe. So I frantically drove around the campus for twenty minutes, looking for this building so I can be on time. I’m speeding, running stop signs, pretty much neglecting all the rules of the road. I see a security guy, perfect! I’ll just pull up next to him and ask him where to go. Motherfucker wouldn’t slow down. I’m following this guy for like ever, honking like a mad man to get him to stop. Eventually, I ended up cutting him off, I really wanted to get there. So I ask him where to go, he tells me, I find it, I’m five minutes late. I hate life. I run in, oh, did I mention it was raining? It was raining. So I run in, hike my fat ass up two flights of stairs. I’m soaked because I forgot a coat. I’m out of breath. The ladies at the check-in desk look very frightened to see a drenched, very flustered looking black woman. Good impression right? I walk up to them, fearful that they’re just going to tell me to go home because of my tardiness. She tells me it’s alright, they give me a new time, I go in, do my interview, and if I hadn’t been late, I would feel very confident about it.

After the interview I drive to Read Photography to drop off this sheet for NCYL. On the sheet is said turn in by August 9th. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t have waited till the last minute, but I figured I would be out then anyway, so why not. I get there, the door is locked, and the sign says they’re closed on Sundays. Wtf? Then why on earth would you say the last day is the 9th when there is no one even there. I case the building, looking for some object to stick it in. Nothing. I end up trying to cram it under there door.

Now this all happened in like two hours. That’s a pretty sucky two hours. I most likely blew my chance at being one of the six people. And whose to blame. Oh, of course it’s me, I won’t dispute that at all. But this made me question something. Now I am a person who believes strongly in karma, destiny, fate, pretty much all the balancing forces of life. I believe that if you want something badly enough, the you should get it. Whenever something bad happens to me, I take it as a sign, that this is suppose to happen. Now I don’t believe that our futures are completely pre-destined, but I believe that we are given signs, opportunities, chances, and it is our job to interpret them, and act on them as we see fit. So when I was late, and when Read was closed, I thought to myself,

“Alright, this is suppose to happen for some reason. But this won’t matter because I want to go to the conference, I deserve to go, so I’ll get it.”

It was somewhat of a pep talk I guess, and it had me feeling quasi-better. But then I was thinking about it and I realized something. Is wanting something enough? Is thinking you deserve something sufficient? Absolutely not. Desire is nothing without effort. Entitlement doesn’t exist. It’s time I realize that.

peace.