if anyone is still out there....

I went natural about a month ago now. It was one of the scariest things that I have ever done. My hair was a little bit longer than shoulder length, and I cut it all off, down to my natural hair. In the black hair community, it’s called the “big chop.” I broke free of my creamy crack addiction. I guess right now you could say I rock a mini fro. And I absolutely love it. I can’t explain the combination of emotion I felt during the process. So many ideas were running through my mind. Of course I was terrified, I haven’t worn my hair natural since fifth grade. I had completely forgotten what it felt and looked like. But now, I can’t stop playing with my curls.

A lot of people think that it was an impromptu decision, that it was just one of those crazy things I do. But there was so much more behind it. It is something I have been considering now for nearly a year. But for some reason every time I would think about going natural, I would convince myself that I had “bad” hair. I know now that it was stupid, and I’m nearly certain I knew it then too. But it’s not easy for black women to love themselves, much less their hair.

From a very young age we are shown pictures that define what beauty is. What we see is that beauty often times is synonymous with white. For example, look at Kenneth and Mammie Clark’s doll experiment. It is clearly impossible for any child of color to live up to that specific ideal of beauty, and so a form of self-hatred is developed. We do not even believe ourselves to be beautiful. The few black representations of beauty we are exposed to are generally light-skinned women with straight hair. So we conform to what society claims is beautiful, and we relax our hair.

Now, very few white people really know what the relaxing process entails. Let me give you a quick run-down. Relaxing your hair is one of the worst things you could ever do to it. It damages your hair, making it incredibly unhealthy. No hair stylists who was legitimately concerned about your hair’s health would ever perform this process. A very harmful chemical is applied to your hair. This chemical breaks away the outer layer of your hair, the layer that protects your hair from damage and gives your hair shine. By breaking away this layer, it is possible to smooth out the “kinks” of your hair, making it straighter. However, your hair does not magically become like the hair of our white counterparts. It is in some limbo state that is neither “white” hair nor “black.” It is a terrible process that not only damages the hair, but also the individual’s appreciation for their heritage, for the love of themselves.

Strangely, the people who most like my hair are my white peers. My black friends often freak out and gaze at me sadly while asking, in a near mortified voice, “What did you do?!” Ironically, the “people”who drove blacks to the relaxing process are the same people who now appreciate my new natural style. It is clear that self-hatred runs rampant through the black community because so many are unable to embrace the beauty that has been bestowed upon them from generations long past.

Sometimes I regret my decision. Occasionally I don’t feel as attractive to the opposite sex. But there are so many more important things. And I know that it will be a learning process and that it will take time to redefine my idea of beauty. But I believe I have already taken the most difficult of steps. When all is said and done, I am happy with my decision and the ending of my cognitive dissonance. And I like the feeling of my curls.

peace